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If you believe it was love, you're not wrong, and you're not alone. I was in love with my therapist for years before, during, and after he emotionally and sexually exploited me. I still believe what I felt was love, but now I see that while my love for him was real, the person I loved was not. He was a fantasy, partly created by him but mainly created by me. He knew that. He knew that I was in love with him, he knew that I idolized him, and he knew that I trusted him. He also knew that I believed he loved me. He may have had some feelings for me that could be considered caring, but time and again he elected to behave in ways he knew were causing me harm and would take years to get over. He was aware of the reality of what was happening: I was not, and he knew that too. Did I truly love him? Sure, I did at the time, but it was like little kids who truly believe in Santa Claus. Their feelings and beliefs are absolutely real and true: Santa Claus isn't. If you believe that you loved (or still love) your abuser and that he or she truly loved or loves you, the cycle you find yourself in is common. Letting go of the belief that you have been loved and valued rather than duped and used is exhausting, excruciating, and confusing. As we heal, bits of reality become increasingly difficult to ignore. We begin to question, "Was it real?" Faced with overwhelming evidence, we can no longer maintain the fantasy. We know the truth, but we don't want to acknowledge it. Despite our best efforts to deny, excuse, challenge, or reinterpret reality, certain truths simply cannot be un-known. We have to let go of the wishes and hopes that lived at the core of what happened and see it for what it really was. I spent a great deal of time and energy struggling to protect my feelings of love for him. For a very long time I clutched the jagged pieces of shrapnel that had been the material of the perfect fantasy that had allowed me to feel valued, loved, and safe. I needed to believe it was real. It was the only way I felt I could survive. I have paid an enormous price and lost many years by holding on. He abused me, but he is not only an abuser. He is many other things as well-some good, some bad, most of them ordinary. But none of that changes or excuses what he did to me. As a therapist, he knowingly, willingly, and repeatedly took emotional and physical advantage of a client he was professionally and morally obligated to help and protect from harm. In healing from this experience, we do a great deal of difficult and painful work. As we confront and accept reality, moments of clarity and strength become more frequent and last longer. We learn to forgive ourselves for not knowing it wasn't real. We learn to accept and hold our abusers responsible for knowingly and repeatedly causing us harm. That is the path all of us eventually must follow as we strive to understand and heao obligated to help and protect from harm.
Carrie 2026 To return to the list of Essays, click here. |
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