Topics: Taking Action: A Success Story

This essay was written by a TELL volunteer. While she was successful in taking action against her abuser, she is sensitive to the fact that this is by no means the universal experience of victims. She suggests that it is the process of taking action rather than the outcome that affords the greatest opportunity for healing.

I was emotionally exploited, sexually abused, and ultimately abandoned by my therapist.  It took months to grasp what had happened to me. After I began to realize that I had been victimized, I felt compelled to hold my therapist accountable for his outrageous and reckless behavior while I was under his care.

I filed a Licensing Board complaint, a civil lawsuit, and a professional ethics committee complaint. All three outcomes were successful. My Board complaint was resolved when my therapist voluntarily and permanently surrendered his professional licenses with prejudice.  My civil suit settled out of court.  (Though I cannot discuss the financial terms of the settlement, I can say that I am pleased with the result, and I can discuss all other aspects of my case.)  The ethics committee complaint I filed resulted in a 5-year suspension of my abuser’s credentials.  These are wonderful conclusions to a nightmarish chapter of my life, but I often feel survivor’s guilt because I know this is not always the case for other victims.

I started taking action by educating myself on the complicated topic of therapy abuse.  It took time for me to understand and accept that I had been a victim. I read everything I could, including information about options available to victims.  What I read seemed grim, i.e., that “licensing boards and ethics committees only add to the damage done”; that “those who sue their abusers are re-traumatized by the legal process”; that “even if victims do prevail, victory comes only at great personal cost.” While much in each of the processes was completely out of my control, and there were many times when I did feel re-traumatized, I also and unexpectedly experienced rewards that were more than compensating.

Taking action against my abuser meant I had to stand up for myself, something I had never been very good at doing.  One of the original problems for which I sought help in therapy was low self-esteem. I feared expressing my thoughts and opinions.  When I was asked to speak directly to the committee investigating my Licensing Board complaint, I was terrified. I went alone into a roomful of strangers and answered their questions about the weirdest experience of my life. Reliving the trauma was upsetting and painful. Discussing the sexual abuse was deeply embarrassing.  But the professionals who held the same license as my abuser asked me thoughtful questions. I felt validated and empowered by my experience with the Licensing Board.  They listened.

Months after speaking with the committee, I felt strong enough to search for an attorney.  After several refused for various reasons, I found an attorney willing to take my case.  It was well worth it in many ways.

The civil suit process required me to create a timeline of the relationship with my abuser. Though I had jotted down events earlier, it was not the comprehensive chronology required by the lawsuit.  I had difficulty separating my intense emotions from the facts, but when I was done, I had a cohesive story.  I had verbalized the insanity I had been through.  Getting all of this out of my head and onto paper was a valuable containment process. I saw with clarity that I had not been loved by a warm, caring man, but manipulated by a cold-blooded, calculating predator

The lawsuit meant I was aggressively choosing sides, and I chose not to play on Team Abuser.  Despite the Licensing Board complaint, I still felt deeply bonded to my abuser.  Publicly reframing the relationship from client-therapist to plaintiff-defendant had the painful but useful side effect of helping to dissolve that bond.

I chose to read my legal file knowing that it contained information from “the other side.” Many had told me in advance that my abuser would “pathologize” me, but the impact of reading this for myself was the single most painful event I experienced during the entire ordeal.  As a client, I had given my therapist access to my most vulnerable parts.  My abuser twisted what I had told him to seem like the thoughts and behavior of a psychopath.  I was devastated.

I often felt like two different people during all of this.  Maybe I managed the overwhelming pain and confusion I was in by dissociating.  While one part of me was occupied doing everything possible to hold him accountable, another part of me felt perilously frail.  I felt as close to a nervous breakdown and as suicidal as I had ever been. 

I had the odd sensation of feeling completely destroyed on the inside, yet no one else seemed to notice. Had I been in a terrible car accident, the physical injuries would have been instantly obvious.  But I had no visible wounds from therapy abuse. Though my injuries were invisible, I felt as if I had lost a limb. Taking action had the effect of treating my wounds in such a way that they could heal more easily.  Like virtually all survivors of therapy abuse, I ultimately discovered that I had more strength and courage within me than I ever knew.

I did not do all of this alone.  I am lucky to have had a good support network.  My husband has been a safe haven of love and support.  I have had mental health care providers who understand how to help victims of trauma and sexual abuse.  Through TELL and Advocateweb, I have found other victims and professionals willing to share their experiences, thus breaking my feelings of isolation and of being different.

When I initially contacted TELL, contemplating action overwhelmed me. I was ambivalent and wanted only to protect my abuser.  I was told that I did not have to save the world from a charlatan; that all I had to do was keep myself safe.  Ironically, knowing that I was free to do nothing had the effect of helping me decide to take all available action. I encourage victims to decide what is best for them by considering all available options, including doing nothing.

Though taking action has helped me, it has not been a cure-all.  My healing process continues.  But I want others to know that I found a licensing board that was serious about cleaning up its profession.  I found attorneys who took my case and fought successfully for my side.  I found an ethics committee that did more than just pronounce a member’s behavior unethical; they severely sanctioned my abuser.

By all accounts, I have won, yet sometimes I feel this not enough. His licenses and professional credentials are gone, and there is one less licensed predator among us. There is no more action that I can pursue. Perhaps if one day he feels at least some of the pain he has caused me, then that will truly be enough

I often wonder if my abuser is an evil man, or just a very sick one.  I believe there will come a time when that question and others will no longer matter to me, and I can remember what happened without hurting. I have found behind the suffering the hidden grace of spiritual growth, and for that I am grateful.

Nicole Todd

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